It was a hot August morning, I had been in pain all night. I was never able to get comfortable and had reached the point where I was unwilling to accept the pain any longer. At six in the morning I called my sister and told her it was time, and that she needed to get ready. I quickly reminded her I didn't care what she looked like make-up was not an option at this point, we would be there to get her in thirty minutes. I quickly showered, told my husband to do the same and we were out the door. On our forty-five minute drive to the hospital I made the other phone calls to everyone who would want to be there. When we arrived at the hospital I was expecting to be well into the labor process like my first, but that was not the case! Turns out I was only about 2 centimeters dilated. The nurse asked me if I was sure I would like to proceed with a vbac, and I quickly responded with a no thank you! Please let the doctor know I’ll be having a c-section. By 1:02pm we saw Parker Susanne Golden take her first breath, and heard her first cries. In those cries I quickly realized something was wrong. It was not just a cry, but a cough then a wheeze. Four hours after her birth we realized there was a problem, but we weren’t sure what it may be? We began to question why she would be coughing and wheezing, and the nurses and doctors would respond with we're not sure. By the next morning many tests would be ordered and I would be forced to watch my precious new born be poked and prodded in ways I had never imagined. The end result was a staph infection, and the treatment would be medicine that would most likely make her deaf… My choice at this point was a hearing impairment or decreased chance of survival. We signed the waivers and of course immediately began treatment. Within twenty-four hours her cough would decrease, and blood cultures we’re starting to clear, all we had to do was wait for the hearing test. Six very long days later, we sat at the end of a bed myself, my four year old Delany, Parker my newborn who could hear, and had be declared healthy all looking at each other in a pure moment of joy. We knew that the next day we would be able to be home as a family and begin to enjoy life as a family of four. In this moment of joy a picture was snapped, a picture that would actually be the last moment of happiness in what was to become a very long year.
What we did not know or even imagine at that time was the person snapping that picture my brother-in-law, was actually wrestling with choosing to live or choosing to die. What I did not realize that while I was caught in a moment of pure bliss, and happiness that in just a short week the person behind the camera would take his life. Parker Susanne Golden came home from the hospital August 15th 2012, seven days later our lives would change forever! August 22, 2017 the person responsible for capturing a moment of pure bliss, would also bring me to my knees with the most overwhelming feeling of grief I had ever experienced.
A moment captured in time would be a source of great pain, and joy for the rest of my life. I had no idea that the person behind the camera was struggling to remain here on earth and enjoy all the moments that would follow. August 22, 2012 I was on my way home from the doctor when my phone rang and my whole world would be turned upside down. As I answered the phone I can remember the panic in my mom's voice, her words still echo in my mind. Four words would change my entire existence “he hung himself Emily.” I can remember dropping the phone pulling to the side, and the world going black. What had been joy, and happiness was now black, confusion, and anger.
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